Unwhelming ADHD: wrangling shiny objects and squirrels
Any superhero will tell you that their super strength is also their greatest weakness.
ADHD is my superpower, and I’ve learned how to harness its benefits (yes, benefits!) and feed my brain the structure it needs to thrive.
In women, ADHD can sometimes evade diagnosis. That’s part biology and part society. Women and girls are trained from a very young age to present in a specific way to society: aware of other people’s feelings and emotions, reading the room all the time, looking “the right way” physically, constantly caretaking and putting others’ needs before ours.
That means ADHD can look like workaholism because we need to work twice as hard as men anyway, and we who try to manage ADHD feel like we can’t quite get things done.
ADHD can look like people-pleasing and codependency. People with ADHD often are like a room with the doors not just open but blown off. All of the signals and all of the input comes in all of the time. We feel all the feelings and get all the information all the time, and we know right away when someone is unhappy. We work hard to make that stop because it’s a lot easier to manage all of the other information coming into my head if I don’t also have to wonder what I did wrong.
ADHD can look like communication problems. If you’re paying attention to everything all the time, you’re not prioritizing, so essential emails, text messages, and phone calls might go missing.
The biz
Women with ADHD struggle mightily in business, whether on their own or within an organization. Unfortunately, that struggle can result in low self-esteem, shame, isolation, burnout, and more.
Organizational ADHD happens when your business doesn’t have a clear strategy with goals and action steps carefully aligned to that plan. It can happen when you work in an organization without a clear mission and with a disorganized culture.
Organizational ADHD looks like incomplete or unfunded initiatives. Employees may not be able to articulate the mission or how it’s delivered, there are few or conflicting standard operating procedures, multiple overlapping systems are abandoned or used without integrity, and lines of communication are unclear at best. Additionally, these organizations have a high turnover rate and are often like a duck: smooth and serene on the surface but paddling madly beneath the water.
But ADHD has some surprising benefits—really! Organizational ADHD could mean that your organization or business is agile, so it may be able to pivot and follow new ideas quickly. It could mean your organization might be on the cutting edge or innovative within your industry. Working for an organization with ADHD can be exciting because there’s always something new, and the possibilities are endless. And it often comes with a high amount of energy. So if you’re somebody who craves that excitement, it can be great in a lot of ways.
We can pivot and turn our ADHD brains into superpowers that work for us with Unwhelming.
I designed these steps specifically for folks who manage ADHD, but it turns out they work for everyone! (BTW, if you want to know more about the basics of this practice, you can check out our introductory video or the podcast).
Step 1: It’s all just so overwhelming.
This first step is where we recognize how we got to this level of stress and chaos. When I started this practice, I had to stop and acknowledge that what was happening may be a direct result of my actions, but it wasn’t my fault. I don’t mean absolving ourselves of any responsibility. Instead, it means we need to examine the systems and structures governing society, what kind of behaviors and actions get rewarded, and which ones get punished. The business world, in particular, is structured for neurotypical people. They have an idea, think about the result and what it takes to execute that idea, and then follow the steps to complete necessary tasks. And if you don’t possess that ability, or if it does not align, then the world is not set up for you to succeed.
Step 2: Face your feelings
Something particular to women is true--and probably most folks with ADHD--is that because we are operating within a system that doesn’t support us, we usually can’t succeed. With lack of success comes shame, embarrassment, overwhelm, and failure. You can find some tips on how to do this work in our guide, How to Gently Hush Your Inner Asshole because this step itself can be overwhelming. If you have a trusted friend who can hear you in this step, that can be really helpful. And, of course, our first suggestion whenever we’re unwhelming folks is to get a therapist (a Herculean and overwhelming task, we know).
Step 3: Slow down to speed up.
Honest tracking and accounting are difficult for most people, and it’s especially tough for people with ADHD. So one of the things that I have to do is place rigid boundaries around my time and how I will get that tracking done. If I’m not careful, it will lead to a day where I start tracking my time for invoicing and end with me being late for a 4:15 appointment, unshowered and frantic.
For folks with ADHD, strict boundaries around your time for tracking and accounting requires a lot of discipline. For us, it’s not something that comes naturally, and you cannot make it work the first time by just jumping in. Instead, you have to set up systems that make it work.
When I do my planning for the week, I turn off all notifications. I rely on ritual—I use the same notebook and the same set of pens every time. I always set a timer and reward myself with a break when I’m done: I walk away from my desk and eat something delicious.
I use all of the tools in my toolbox to ensure that honest tracking and accounting can happen accurately and quickly, and then I can get on with my reward and my other work.
Step 4: Find Your Focus
I will probably say this about every step in the unwelcoming process, but finding your focus is vital for folks with ADHD. You need a crystal-clear, deep understanding of your personal and organizational strategic plan: mission, vision, and values. Without it, you will likely find yourself attracted to other people’s ideas and dreams and end up paying attention to the wrong things and feeding the wrong dream.
Finding your strategic plan and really honing in on it is going to focus your business and make sure your actions count. I literally have the Unwhelm Coaching strategic plan written on a three-foot by four-foot piece of paper on my wall in colored marker. When I am presented with a new idea or a set of activities, I look at that mission, vision, and values and ask myself if the opportunity fits.
Once you’ve developed that plan, you’ll need help to stay on top of it. You’ll need to come back to your strategic plan over and over. This step requires constant reminders because the ADHD mind pays attention to what is in front of it right now. So keep those goals in front of you at all times!
Step 5: Systems and Solutions
Systems and solutions are absolutely incredible for freeing your ADHD mind. Without systems, life becomes chaotic very quickly. I’ve lived through times when chaos has ruled my world, and it sucked. However, I’ve discovered that aside from the obvious systems like a digital calendar and the liberal use of Do Not Disturb at scheduled times, we can also free up our ADHD minds with systems in our personal lives. For example, I use a pre-printed grocery list so I don’t have to guess what I need and a spreadsheet to plan meals, so I don’t go hungry or eat out every night.
The less I have to track visually or mentally, the more time I spend on those strategic goals, the faster and more effectively I move my business into solid success.
Step 6: Who can help and how
This step is difficult for women because so many of us have endured repeated trauma in our lives, and hyper-independence is a trauma response. Let me say that again:
Hyper-independence is a trauma response.
The early work in this process is essential to recognizing and accepting help. When you understand how you got here, you know what’s important to you, and you have a clear plan, you are better equipped to ask for and get what you need.
Acknowledging that finding help often comes with a price tag, I can tell you there are creative ways to find Accountabilibuddies. If you can afford to hire a house cleaning service or additional child care, I encourage you to do that without guilt or apology (I’m looking at you, inner asshole). But you do this without financial cost. You can work with a friend to do meal prep together for three hours once a week. You can agree to exchange daily texts with notes about focus.
Being and having an Accountabilibuddy isn’t the same as having a hype woman (and you can never have too many of those!). You need to develop a firm agreement with your Accountabilibuddy and refer to it often. At Unwhelm Coaching, we provide some great resources and training for Accountabilibuddies. It’s not babysitting or scolding; it’s a conversation where both parties are clear about the outcome.
Step 7: Staying Unwhelmed
This step is challenging. A therapist once told me the first thing an ADHD mind does in quiet is look for trouble. I believe that. It’s also true that any breathing space may feel like boredom if we’ve been overwhelmed and stressed for an extended time. To compound matters, if that frenetic pace has defined you or if you’re used to equating busyness with productivity and productivity with worth, you may feel some panic when the pace slows down. This step is all about boundaries: around your time, your energy, and your commitments. The way you manage this step is by practicing the other steps regularly. That’s why we call it a practice: like working out or brushing your teeth, Unwhelming isn’t something that stays done—you have to keep up on it.
To recap, the way to turn ADHD from your greatest liability into your greatest strength is through Unwhelming:
It’s all just so…overwhelming!
Face your feelings
Slow down to speed up
Find your Focus
Systems and Solutions
Who can help and how?
Staying Unwhelmed